Here we are… another month, another moment to reflect on my progress as an individual. –Wow, that sounded textbook.
I’m not going to lie, this month has been filled with so many emotions. I have written this post, deleted it. Written it. Deleted it more times than I can remember. I’ve felt defeated one minute and the next, I’m feeling like I could conquer anything. I’ve felt hopeful one day, then the next I’ve felt hopeless. I can’t help but feel like all these emotions are God revealing so much more to me. In turn, I am also aware that Satan is trying to get the best of me.
I’m feeling so tired of being in this rental home. I did not move across the country to do God’s work, and be stuck here in a home that isn’t a home. To be in a town with zero friends and pure loneliness. I didn’t move here to settle for the “norm” of this town.
I came here to make a difference.
I came here to carry out God’s plan.
I came here to strengthen my faith and deepen my relationship with my husband.
I came here to heal even more generational sins that have been part of our family for years.
I came here to make the community a better place and strengthen other women’s faith and encourage others.
With all that being said, there is an unwavering feeling in my soul. I can’t help but go back and forth on my emotions. On one hand, I know God is here guiding us through this transition in a new town. I know He is here cheering us on and gifting us a moment to recharge in a rental. He’s blessed us with so many moments to work on our marriage, because God knew we needed it.
Then there’s the emotions I feel strongly on the daily. The irrational emotions that don’t make much sense, but are continuing to weigh me down. Why are we here? When are we going to start making a difference? Why are we still in this crappy rental home? Why has a home with land not come on the market yet? What are we doing?
I know God has a plan.
Yet, I can’t help but be upset. I want things to start moving already.
I trust God.
Then I don’t.
I trust Him with it all.
Later, I take it back.
It’s been a yoyo of emotions. I’m still trying to figure it all out. One minute I feel strong and know God is carrying me through this season. The next, I’m ready to pack my bags and head back to Washington.
Just writing this has shown me two things:
- God is here. He loves me. Satan is trying to win me over, and some days it works.
- This is life in a nutshell sometimes. You can be mad at God. It. Is. Okay. Just talk to him.
If you’ve read to the end of this, thanks. I feel like my words are all jumbled up this month. SO many more lessons are coming my way, and I can’t wait to keep sharing those tidbits with you.
With honest intentions,