My best friend is pregnant.
Though I’m OVER THE MOON excited for her, I can’t help but feel a little sadness for myself.
P.S. I’m not jealous.
Why would I feel sadness for myself? I have two adorable little boys. I’ve done the first time mom thing, and I’m now doing it again with my second little one. Why would I feel sad? Why am I making it about me?
No, I’m not jealous.
Today, she was going on and on about how excited her family was. How her sister made her a quilt, was planning her baby shower, was helping her every step of the way. She has the support of both her mother and mother in-law. Of course her husband as well.
Then I felt it… My stomach went into knots. My chest started to tighten. My sadness started to flow through me.
Call it a trigger… Call it a reminder… Call it whatever…
There I was again, feeling the pain that I’ve felt a million times before. Sadness. Pain. Longing. Like something was missing.
P.S. I’m not jealous.
I’ve accepted it. The pain is like an old friend that pops up from time and time again, but never completely goes away. The pain was there. I so desperately wanted that excitement and love around me when I had my boys like my best friend had around her.
Of course I didn’t tell her any of this. Why would I? This is all my issue. It isn’t about her. I’m deeply happy for her. Like, ECSTATIC. She is going to be a great mom. Yet, I still can’t help but feel sad for my own journey into motherhood.
I still can’t help but feel sad that the whole pregnancy with Lucas was spent healing from my childhood pain my own mother had caused. Then, accepting my mother for who she is. Then accepting the fact that I will never know the unconditional love in a child’s perspective.
But it’s not about that.
It’s that sadness I feel, because I didn’t get someone to help me decorate the nursery..either time. I didn’t have anyone plan my first baby shower nor did I have a second for Benjamin.
It’s the sadness and emptiness I feel, because I will never get to experience that celebration or love that my best friend is feeling.
I want that.
Is that so wrong to feel? To desire?
Some may say I’m jealous. I’m. Not. Jealous.
I’m yearning for more.
I’m missing what I missed during my pregnancies.
Sure, I had Mike. He and I had our own celebratory moments. We were the ones who were truly excited. That is all that should matter, right?
Then why am I so sad? I should be happy with what I have. I should be grateful for having Mike by my side, to have a strong marriage, and to have my little family.
Here I am again… Trying to heal from my own childhood again.
I’m not jealous. I’m sad.
With honest intentions,