Refinement. That is my word this year. So. Much. Of. It.
By the beginning of the year, I was terrified of what the future held. I figured we were doomed. I felt hurt, angry, sad, but above all…WORRIED. So much of MY plan wasn’t working out. So much of what I thought we needed to do as a family was shifting.
Now that was my huge revelation. It isn’t up to me. I don’t have the plan. God gets to choose and I’m so grateful I don’t have to carry that weight anymore. ❤️
This was a year for the books… I honestly had months full of tears not sure how we’d make it to the end of the month, end of the week, end of the day… But here we are! My faith was pretty strong in 2018 (I thought) but it sky rocketed to a WHOLE new level in 2019. We completely wouldn’t have made it to where we are today without it.
Seriously. This year was full of financial hardships/surprises with a new year, a merger in Mike’s old company he worked for, a baby on the way, an extremely hard pregnancy, TONS of weight gain, TONS of weight loss, too many new clothes to count for my ever changing body, more pain and hurt from people we should feel safe from, transitioning to two children, feeling as though my heart could burst with love from my boys, preparing to move with no plan, staying put a little longer because we felt a plan was coming, Mike being offered a position that better fit his skills and his DREAM JOB, selling our home, moving, renting, downsizing, starting over (yuck), choosing each other, and loving each other harder today than the day before.
Here are a few things I’ve learned this year.
1. It’s not your plan, it’s HIS plan. Things happen for a reason.
2. Give it to God. We were not meant to carry all of life’s burdens alone. I thought I had to. However, I found that it’s not necessary. What a relief!
3. It’s okay to be mad at God. Just talk to him. Let Him have it. He just wants you. He can take it. He will help the pain go away.
4. Epidurals don’t always work…Benji’s delivery was proof of that for me. 😂😫
5. Since I started building my relationship with the Lord, I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with it. I was so anti-church. I was searching for my place. I just wanted to build relationships with people who thought similarly as me. I was overwhelmed with all the options. I find it absolutely infuriating that it has to be so difficult to find one right for you. Stop with the options! 😵 I’m happy to report that I will not be choosing my place of worship. It will choose me, and it has. God had told me that this year and the weight is lifted! 💁
6. Juggling two kids vs one is HARD. I don’t care who you are. I don’t care how many books you’ve read. Nothing prepares you.
7. We’ve been given a chance to start our life’s mission and though I’m resting and observing, I’m SOOO excited to get to work!
8. Things are just things. It’s. Just. Stuff. They will not make you unconditionally happy. I’ve known this for quite sometime, but it was even more learned this past year.
9. I’ve been shown some closed doors recently with relationships. Though I’m sad about it, I’m so extremely grateful that it was taken care for me.
10. The twos aren’t so terrible. Now the threes…those are a doozy.
11. GRACE. Specifically, grace for myself and towards Mike. Somehow I would give the wrong people too much grace, but when it came to myself or my best friend..I had none!
12. Lastly, this year taught me obedience. Not to anyone, but God. He loves us all so very much and wants the best for us. I learned to trust Him with the current season I was in, and I will continue to trust Him in the new one I’m embarking on.
I’m praying for a calmer 2020 with more instruction on our next step. I will say though, that’s pretty much an oxymoron when it comes to Jesus. 😂🤷
With honest intentions,