Today marks the fourth year.
Four years since I lost you.
In reality, I lost you a lot longer than four years ago. I lost you more than once. I lost you after you’d physically already left. I just keep losing you. Each year, each memory, each exciting chapter in my life I’m a little bit further from the life it was when you were living.
When you were YOU. Not what the disease made you.
I think back of the day you started to forget little things. (7th grade) I think back of the days you started to lose your Independence. (High School) I think back of the day you started to have less good days than bad. (College) I think back of the day you could no longer have the freedom of the world because it became unsafe. (Freshly married) I think back of the day you forgot who I was. (Trying for Lucas) I think back of the day when what started as a fall, turned into surgery, turned into the end of your road. (Pregnant with Lucas) I think back of the moment I hear you had gone home. 🙏🌤️
Even though there were so many moments that I lost you, the day you physically left this Earth, I knew. I knew before I got the call. I felt you leave. I felt a little piece of my heart go missing. It’s a weird moment to experience. Yet, a special one at that.
You think it’ll start to feel a bit less hurtful and sad when the anniversary of your death pops up… But it doesn’t. It feels so long ago, yet so fresh.
Today, I feel like I just got the call.
Today, a little extra piece is missing because we don’t get to visit your grave. You see, that became our moment to bring you in our life. Even with you physically not in it.
Now I’m sitting here trying to think what we can do. How we can still have a part of you with us in Illinois. Part of you to be in my boys life.
I will find a way to do so. I mean… Even writing this post, you become alive again in my memories.
Today is the fourth year. There are many more to come. But I will remember you. I love you Gram. ❤️🌸🌷🌹🌺🌻🌼🐦🕊️❤️
With honest intentions,