Exactly a year today.
I totally didn’t plan my post today to be about this, but here I am. Writing about my crazy year of refinement. The toughest season of God refining myself and my family.
Like, dead tired.
When will we graduate this season of refinement? (We won’t, because we keep saying “yes.”) When will we be able to take a breather from growing as individuals? (Never) Does that even exist? (Probably not.)
Today, I sit here tired because we are fighting virus’ in this house. My body is currently fighting one after my toddler became ill. Now, I’m doing my best to take care of him, myself, and keep my baby away from his older brother.
Doing all of this has got me thinking a lot today. It’s got me reminiscing and feeling sad, because I so desperately want someone to take care of me, like I take care of them. I so desperately wish I had a protector that was in the flesh. I have healed that part of my life knowing that I will never get to experience the unconditional love of a mother and child from a child’s perspective. I will never get to know what that feels like.
Yet, here I am. Yearning for that. Yearning for someone to hug me, make me some soup, and tell me “It’s going to be okay. Go take a nap, I have the boys.”
I have my husband. I used to think of him as my protector. I used to think of him as the one who would give me that hug, or make me that soup. He still will take the boys, but somewhere in this refinement season he stopped “giving me that hug.” He stopped “telling me it’s going to be okay.” He just stopped. We both did.
How did we get here? How did God lead us 1,870 miles away from where we were last year physically? Yet, we’re 1,870 miles away emotionally as well?
I’m not sure how we survived this past year of refinement. I really don’t. I feel so much stronger than I did November 21, 2018. I feel like I’ve learned so much from then to now.
Even though I’ve learned so much, I still can’t help but wonder when this season will be over.
When will we be back to being each other’s bestfriends? When will life slow down? When will we be happy? Truly happy.
I’ve heard all the things like: “Life is what you make it.” “You need to put your husband first.” “This is just the season you’re in.” “You need to find a way to get back to the old you.” Yeah, yeah, yeah… I know this. Crystal clear, I know this.
I also know that I don’t answer to those people suggesting those “advice tips.” I answer to the big Guy upstairs. I answer the to only true One who loves me with their whole heart. I answer to the One who loves me unconditionally. That is God.
God is so good. Even in the darkness that I’m feeling today. I know He’s right here next to me. I know He’s cheering me on as I fight the demons around me.
But, I’m tired. I’m ready for this season to be over. I’m ready to have a breather.
I guess I will get that “breather” when the Lord tells me it’s time.
Until then, I’m going to sit here and let Him carry me through this tiredness, sickness, and loneliness a little bit further. Because I know he’s going to get us back to where we need to be. I know His work isn’t done. I know He’s still refining me with patience. I know He’s still refining my husband in so many ways to list.
Until the day comes for a breather, I am going to try not to give up.
You should too. ♥
With honest intentions,